I had a serious talk with Joyce just a while ago about things that are very personal. I felt so much emotion while we were talking that I can't really show to the public so we just put it all out in words. We talked about everything until we came to the point that we talked about friendship. 

(syet ang seryoso ng post ko ,naiiyak ako,gawin ko munang taglish)

When I was still young( di pwde ang term na small dahil small pa rin ako ngayon), i got used that I almost had the same classmates every year, and i mingle with the same faces as well. Though nung highschool, nawala ang mga kakompetensya at mga nerdy peeps, sa highschool e simula 1st year hanggang 4th year ay nasanay akong komportableng kasama ang mga lumang taong minahal ko na at nakasama na ng matagal.

Pero life goes on. Di dun tumitigil ang buhay, sinabi man ni Sharon Cuneta na High school life, high school life kay saya, dadating ang dadating ang panahon kelangan kong magcollege.

Takot na takot ako nun.

Naisip ko nga na wala na nga akong love life, e baka mamya, sa college e wala akong maging friends!syet!as in, naiimagine ko na ako ung batang tinuturing na auti sa isang canteen at inaapi ng popular girls. 

Nanginginig ako sa takot. Ayokong bumaba ng van nung first day at tahimik ako sa classroom kaya siguro inisip ng madla na tahimik akong bata. 

Hanggang sa ayan nga, i started to have one friend, then another, then another. Nabuo ang inches at nabuwag din.
Pero eto na.

Dumating ang regla. 15 taong iba-iba ang personalidad. 14 na taong di ko akalain na magiging pamilya ko sa college. 

Kahapon umuwi akong mag-isa. 5:30 na nun.madilim.umuulan.mabigat ung dala ko. Gusto kong umiyak nun.
Kasi I felt so alone.

Pero kanina nung kausap ko si Joyce, naisip ko mali pala ung mindset ko. At narealize ko na dahil sa mga kaibigan ko, masaya ako. They really complement my completeness. Sila ung dahilan kung bakit araw-araw pa akong nakangiting gumigising.

Kaya, nagpapasalamat talaga ako, sa HS friends ko, sa Chrisannielle, sa Regla.

Di niyo lang alam, madami akong problema. Sa pamilya. Sa puso. Sa sarili ko.

Pero you guys make me feel that fighting through this complicated life is worthwhile. 

Kaya.

SALAMAT.

I HATE THE WAY I"M FEELING RIGHT NOW.

i feel so lazy.i feel so tired.i feel so angry.i feel so bad.i feel hatred. i feel angst flowing through my veins.

i don't know the reason behind these emotions.

oh crap.i haven't even studied for the quiz tom.

i just don't have the energy to do anything productive.

i just want to scream for the frustration i felt after taking the flame test.

to cry my heart out for all the pain and anger.

to stare in the dark for feeling lost at times.

to shout at my brother for wasting his life for all that lakwatsa bullshit and for always leaving us and treating our home as his dormitory.

to just....just....play numb so i won't do the things i listed before this.

i feel sick.

but what the heck.i need to study now.

goodbye.

i have not been writing here for 5 weeks already...so i have decided i'll update again!!!!

hirap naman kse pag nakaupo lang ako sa sala at tulala...tpos bigla kong gustung gustung gustung magblog...
pag nasa tapat na ako ng pc..WALA NA AKONG MATYPE KSE ANDAMI!!!!

e ayoko naman ng magulong post kaya ....ayun....di na lang..

pero ngaun..di na ako papaawat!
matakot kayo!babalik ang kakornihan ko!bwahahahah!!!

ayun lang...wakekekeekekekeke....

I JUST WANT MY FRIENDS, MY 1JRN2 ANG REGLA FAMILY TO KNOW THAT I AM NOT SHIFTING ANYMORE!!!!YEBAH!

you see, i went to UST last Friday, feeling too sleepy and nervous since i kept thinking about today's results.

i felt so paranoid as I walked inside the health service(since guidance and counseling office is on the 2nd floor of the building)thinking that the nurses could read my mind and they would be telling theirselves that.."hey..this girl wants to be one of us..but she's confused...poor girl!"


i looked for ate lalaine and she gave me the test in one of the vacant rooms. I took the test for about 15 minutes since i was just kept answering and answering..just depending on my impulse..

i gave her my test feeling so excited and crazy for the result but too bad..since i finished at aroung 11:30 am...i need to wait for the lunch break to be over...so i waited in tinoco park for one and a half hour without eating anything but just thinking and listening to music.

I tell you, words are not enough to describe my feeling at that time. It was as if I'm waiting for the result of an unexpected maternity test.haha!

so 1:15 came and i went back to see the results.

i scored 22 points on verbal expression.

i scored 20 points on bio research.

and i scored 17 points in accounting.

WHEW.

i still felt confused and drowsy for hours since ate lalaine said that i should not be deciding just because of the results. it still depends on how i see myself for the 10 years.

i may still not be sure since the picture i have in my mind is blurry...but i tell you..

i am happy that i am not shifting. my best bud even said that i fit in journalism. mukha daw akong masaya.

then after that, i went off to see my barkada to tell them the news..i wanted to hug them and cry!wahahaha...but i just made them laugh the whole day..just as i usually do.

we spend the whole day making a poster and baking a delicious beautiful chocolate cake for ourselves and for charlyn's post bday suprise!super busog at nagsawa kami sa chocolate!

di kasi namin nagawa un sa MOA nun sunday when char treated us to a lunch in Pierre One, 2 hours of nonstop karaoke and arcade playing in Timezone and finishing the day by taking pics by the bay and eating crepes in Crepes and Creme!YUMMY!

back to the baking slash art day,we had so much fun..coloring the poster like little kids..wiping chocolate syrup on our faces and arms..and doing the same wacky sutffs that we usually do together, di nga lang masyado,kse nandun ung gwapong pinsan ni tin2..ahahaha.

I HAD SO MUCH FUN!

hahaha..plus...charlyn was really so suprised when we went to her house at about 10 pm in the evening!aahahaha..hurrah for us..we went home feeling so exhausted yet content for the uber happy day!!

then at night, i went online and chatted with two of my best  boy buds...i miss them a lot!

PARE...HEAVEN!!!!ahahaha...

hay..this tuesday...i'll be going to the dentist na...dandandandan...to be continued.

dahil ayaw ko muna ng emote post...at magkwento since kulang ako sa oras dhel past 1 am na at pinapatulog na ako,magpopost na lang ako ng kalokohan ko.

TOP 5 GUYS THAT I WANT TO MARRY SOMEDAY(kung sakaling maghimala man si God..ahaha)

1.si kuya-kuyahan - understood, labs ko un e.wahaha..

2.elijah wood- my number 1 hollywood crush

3. mark angelo conanan - walang pagnanasang kasama,haha...sadyang feel ko lang e tatawa ako buong buhay ko pag sya kasama ko.ahaha.isang kita ko lang sa kanya..nangingiti ako..ahaha.

4. phillip ian maverick yu layno- kapatid ni charchar.feel so comfortable around him.

5. eddrex "eddy" valenzuela- for vice internal!este....dahil..he's one of the nicest guy i ever met.

so there...pasensya..ako'y nagpapantansya lamang..dadagdagan ko pa to pag may oras na ako.ahahaa...kung may mkabasa man..secret na lang ha..shhhhh...

grabeh,ngayon ko narealize..mahirap magbalak ng lakad,lalo na sa mga nag-aasikaso talaga...parang kaboteng sumulpot ang mga problema..

pero close talaga kami ni God...natuloy ang lakad ng REGLA!
matapos magdala ng sandamakmak na gamit(samahan mo pa ng mga kalan at panluto na dala ni mami celest at madrastang cha) natuloy kami..

at dun na nagsimula ang roller coaster ride namin..yebah!
nagkita kita kami sa starbucks araneta... kami nila karchelle, arvin, nachi, dhea, celest, dharel, cha at apol laki. nakompleto kami mga 2 pm.taxi kagad papuntang hm transport para sumakay ng bus. grabeh,anduya nung taxi!100 pesos e super sandali lang namin ..wala pang 5 minutes...tpos sina celest,niligaw pa nung isang taxi!grabecious!so ayun...mga 3 hours na byahe..and nandun na kme sa laguna, usap muna sa jolibee, bili ng tuibg sa mercury tpos sakay na ng trike..na nagaaway ang mga driver dhel nag-agawan ng pasahero..nakakawindang sila...mura here..mura there..mura everywhere!hahaha!

maya-maya..dumating na kami sa harong ni charing..isa syang private hot spring pool..na may tila bahay kaming pinagstayan!ASTEEEGG!!!!!matured na talaga kme we really know how to handle ourselves without any adults around.so ayun....pagdating dun..e nagtatalon tlga ako sa tuwa..heheeh..ganda talaga e..ayoko pa tlgang magswimming pero binasa na nila ako..no choice..sa simula e hiyaan pa ng konti pero maya hala..naka bra na lang ang girls at topless ang boys..prang pamilya na tlga..we had dinner ng 7 pm..adobo,kanin at hotdog..ehehe..maya maya...paunahan na sa karaoke...pakornihan pa ng kanta!hahaha..lalo na ung Bitin si Honey by QUickie...mahalay!ahaha!masaya hehehe..nakakuha din ng 96 sa since you've been gone sa wakas..ngunit maya maya...Aegis na ang pinakanta sken..samahan nyo pa ng bar dance ko!ahahaha..nakakatawa tlga...maya maya..kumakanta na ako ng acapella..ehehehe..sa pool,sari-sariling trip-lusutan,kuhanan ng piso,floating at dog paddle lessons, languyan ng mag-irog,sirena swims, at taasan ng paa sa side ng pool na di ko magawa..ang nakakainis pa..DI TALAGA AKO NANGINGITIM!!!para daw akong labanos at mukha dw akong mumu sa terrace..wakekeke...pero ayus lang.the pool was so warm..samahan mo pa ng warmth ng friends..un yon eh..un ang finakamalufet!feeling that y ouare accepted for who you are by the people you love most.ehehe..

nagstay nga pala ako sa taas for a while, tumulala, umiyak at nag-isip.natuwa,nagtampo at natahimik.bumaba na ulet ako.

mga 3 am kami nagsimulang magsiligo..at 4 pm nagalmusal ng pansit canton,brad at hotdog by chef cha, karche and frustrated chef dharel...ehehehee..after nun...heart-to heart talkwith girls..kakaiyak..5 am..we were all in bed..trying to get some sleep pero..no choice..we need to go...huhuhuhu..lahat kme..antok,pagod at haggard..pero happy.

we took a looooonng jeep ride with the help of chiara papuntang pacita..tpos bus na ulet..kung saan e tulog kmeng lahat...paggising nmen,nsa manila na kme. grabeh..super..nakahang na mga utak namin..sari-sariling uwi at baba...
sa gateway na ako bumaba kasama si apol at karchelle...tpos ayun..pagsundo sken..kain sa van..tpos pag-uwi.tulog sabay ngiti ng matamis dahil sa masayang araw.

ANG SAYA TALAGA.pero sana,next time, nandun na si jicky,sam,lian at kate..para kumpleto.

GUYS, PRAY FOR ME. KINAKABAHAN AKO SA LAKAD KO MAMYA.